Zombie Protocol
by ChaliceInnana
Summary: Amy's love for Sheldon and her friendship with Penny leads Amy to a dark place. Working with Wheaton. Now with more Bernadette!
1. Zombie Protocol

_I own nothing. BBT belongs to Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady and Warners. Wil Wheaton is a national treasure._

**The Zombie Protocol**

Amy had received an email she hadn't anticipated. From Wil Wheaton. Asking her to meet him about a business matter.

Unless he wanted to be a human test subject, she couldn't imagine what business between them would entail. Even if that was what he wanted… no dice. The rats were smarter, nicer… and better actors. She had let Sheldon charm her watching season one of Next Generation in exchange for cuddling. The cuddling had been fantastic and she had, happily, developed crushes on Data, Q and Worf. To hell with Vulcans… she needed to flip on Sheldon's inner Klingon. The bottom line was Wesley Crusher was almost as annoying as Wil Wheaton. Almost.

"Knock, Knock," Wheaton glided into the lab with an oily smile. Amy was standing next to a big old bucket of brains, singing "Cuts like a Knife" as she dissected one with a sharp scalpel. "Jesus, Fowler." He blanched, "are those human?"

Feeling minxish, "Yes they are. And they are fresh." She did love messing with lab tourists, provided they weren't in her posse. And Wil Wheaton was decidedly not in her posse. "Sit down before you pass out, Wesley."

"So you really do work with brains." Wil said, "That is good, because that is what I would like to talk to you about…"

"The science is about 13 years away from a full brain transplant and even then, I don't think I can help you."

"God you are a pain in the ass! What do you have against me anyway?"

"First of all, at least I am localized pain in the ass. You like to spread it around. As to why I don't like you… I know you tricked Penny into breaking up with Leonard. She told me." Amy said, still focusing on her work.

"Star Fleet, not Jedi Master. Fowler." Wil smiled at the memory. That had been a fun night of bowling. He cut to the chase. "I need a consultant on a pilot I am creating. I would like to offer you the job… As a favor to Sheldon."

"Woot! Tumor, bitch!" Amy exclaimed, then held the dissection tray for Wil's observation. Then she processed his statement. "You need a neurobiologist as a consultation? On a television pilot?" Her eyes widened in realization, "Out! Get out!" She gestured to the door with her scalpel.

"You haven't even heard about the project!"

"Don't need to. It's damn zombies… get the hell out of my lab!"

He frowned and stood his ground, "It is going to be different… Not cheesy! It is going to be based on science!"

"Oh, why didn't you say so?" Amy smiled sarcastically, "Here's a freebee, for you, Wil. Zombies do not exist. You can be alive or dead, you can't be both. And that is based on science."

"People used to say holograms were impossible!" Wil defended.

"Oh, my God. When? Not in our life times, buddy! Gabor Holography dates from the late 1940's, based on science that began to be developed at the turn of the century. Dennis Gabor won a noble prize in 1971, for Christ sake!" Amy yelled.

Wil's eyes narrowed acquisitively, "You are perfect for this project. I need your knowledge and your insane bitchy intelligence. Let me offer you a deal."

Amy paused, "A deal?" she sat down and put her hands on her lap. She did love to negotiate. "Wow me."

"A writing credit." He watched her choke on a giggle, "Fine. A producer credit for Sheldon?" She raised an eye brow. "A producer credit for Sheldon and I get Shatner to perform poetry at his next birthday party?"

"Interesting. One question, have you cast this little freak show yet?"

"Somewhat." He fought the smirk he felt on his lips. She was asking fun questions.

Amy wiped her hands off on a towel, "Here is my deal. No producer credit for Sheldon. Yes to the Shatner Poetry Jam. Also, I will need an authentic pair of Leondard Nemoy Vulcan ears and…." She paused, "You have to cast my friend Penny in a significant speaking role that will continue in the unlikely event the pilot becomes a series."

Wil paused, "Can she act?"

"Does it matter? Come on, Wheaton. It is Zombies. Penny is a former Junior rodeo champion, huntress and a surly waitress. She can kill Zombies." Amy coaxed, "I'll even be less assy to you."

"Do you have control over how assy you are?" He asked, nastily.

"More than you." She smiled sweetly.

The smirk materialized. "SHE SAID YES!" Wil screamed.

Sheldon came running into the lab grinning with crazy joy! "You guys are friends now!" He grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her forehead and gave her a hug.

Amy had just gotten a tiara response out of Sheldon.

He was lucky she loved him, because the only thing she was less impressed with than Wil Wheaton, was the Zombie genre.

_A/N: Been having some writer's block with my other story. So I wrote this to clear the cobwebs. I can continue this one as well, if there is interest. It will be Shamy, Lenny all the way. Whamy is not a thing in my multiverse._


	2. Cadaver Continuity Caveat

I own nothing. All hail Chuck, Bill and Warner Brothers. Wil Wheaton is a national treasure.

**Cadaver Continuity Caveat**

Amy was among the only ones not excited by her new side gig.

Sheldon had been highly pleased by Amy's acquiescing to assist with Wil's Zombie project. Her resistance to science fiction was truly the only thing marring her perfection.

Penny had been downright delighted with Amy's negotiation on her behalf. She hated Wheaton for what he had instigated between her and Leonard, even though the blame was her own on that. The final analysis was that Wheaton needed Amy on this and Penny needed to see once and for all if acting could happen for her. All the whining she'd down about getting her break… now that it was here, she wouldn't squander it. Leonard was happy for Penny and giddy about dating an action star.

Raj and Howard thought Penny and Amy's sci-fi elevation might give them more street cred at Comicon.

There was only one person whose reaction Amy dreaded.

"So. Zombies." Bernadette raised an eyebrow.

"I know."

"Wow. Just… Wow." The eyebrow came down and a look of mocking disappointment. "Wow."

"I am doing this for Penny." Amy said.

"Whatever gets you through the night, kitten."

That was the whole thing. Amy was selling out her most deeply held belief that not only were zombies impossible, they were also very poor entertainment. The only consolation was that she would be doing it all for love and friendship. And hopefully, her involvement could remain shrouded in mystery. Because once she read the script, it was just embarrassing.

Wil had invited her over to his house to discuss the script and actual science's place in it. She informed him that she worked for a living and he could come in over her lunch hour. He didn't protest since he needed to introduce Amy to the Jack, the guy playing the lead scientist. He was looking forward to him freaking out when he saw what Amy actually did for a living. He insisted Penny come to when he saw how horrified she remained by… what Amy actually did for a living.

"You are late." She said as the two men entered the lab. "Bestie, you stay here." Penny smiled smugly at Wheaton, "You two, follow me."

She led to them to the basement of the medical school.

"It is cold down here," Wil observed, his eyes slightly wide.

"Where are we going?" Jack asked. The actor reminded Amy of Penny's friend Zach, except dumber. So of course he had been cast as the scientist.

Amy stopped outside a door marked CADAVER LAB, leaned against it and smiled. "Hey, Wil. You guys wanna go see a dead body?" Wheaton was not amused by the "Stand by Me" reference. "Last minute thing, kids. I have to assist with brain extraction for dissection. Then I have to give a small demonstration." She opened the door with a flourish, "Don't vomit, but pay attention. This is what actual science is."

90 minutes later twenty first year medical students and 2 professional actors left the Cadaver lab wiser and more twitchy.

"Does that usually happen?" Wil asked, trailing a gleeful Amy down the hall. Jack just seemed stunned.

"You mean med students dropping brains on the floor?" She turned and shrugged, "It happens. If you've never handled one… those suckers are surprisingly slippery. Especially when you take them right out of the skull like that." Jack stopped and vomited into a nearby garbage can. Amy stared at him impassively for a moment, before retrieving something from a nearby supply closet. "Here, Jack. Red bag it."

The actor looked confused.

"You puked, that garbage is now medical waste, you have to red bag it." Amy explained, smiling darkly. "This is the UCLA cadaver lab, Jack. Weakness is punished."

"I quit." Jack said fleeing up the stairs. Amy and Wil watched him with identical expressions of merciless amusement.

"He quit." Wil said, "I think you scarred him for life." He looked at her, "Nice work for a beginner."

"Not a beginner." Amy gave him the bag. "Red bag the puke, Wheaton." She winked and walked up the stairs.

Wil found his way back to Amy's lab, post his first encounter with disposing of medical waste. It wasn't hard to find, he simply followed the merry peels of girlish laughter.

"How'd the medical waste shake you up, Ensign?" Penny grinned.

"When I was 15 years old, Brent Spiner glued Michael Dorn's prosthetic forehead to his butt… we got it off. But we never told Michael. " Wil glared at her. Penny made a face.

Amy handed him a container of food, "Wow. That is a beautiful story. So you've seen some stuff, huh?" She returned to her own meal, "So wanna fire me for scaring off your leading man?"

"No. He was thrust upon me by my casting agent. I think he was willing to do things the others weren't. Special things." Wil sat down next to Penny. "I was thinking about playing the scientist myself."

"That is a better choice." Amy acknowledged. Wil and Penny exchanged confused looks, "Wil isn't a moron, I've never claimed he was. He grew up faking being a genius. He must miss it a lot." She winked, "Shine on you crazy diamond."

Later that night, Amy was at home alone with the script. Her instructions were to replace the bad science with actual science. It wasn't going well. Her first instinct was to skype Sheldon and to ask for help. She had a feeling if she did that, Wil would fire her for sure.

And then he'd fire Penny for sure… And she wouldn't do that to Penny. Sadly, this mess of a pilot script was probably Penny's last chance at a real acting career… It had to be good. And at this point, that was all on her.

That meant one thing. Amy had to figure out how to make an actual zombie.

For that she needed the help of the one person who would understand her plight. She grabbed her phone, "Hey, Bernadette… I have a question…"

3 hours later, and two glasses of wine on either side of the connection and the biologists had a theory about how to make a zombie. It involved unnecessary genetic testing, testosterone replacement therapy, using synthetic monkey semen as a topical aphrodisiac and of course, the designer flu vaccine that Bernadette's evil multi-national corporation was **not** developing.

The Cadaver Caveat was that undead had nothing to do with it. These were ZINOS. Zombies in Name Only.

After thanking her petite and delightfully evil friend, Amy plugged their science into the script. It took her almost until dawn. Then she emailed the copy to Wheaton with a quote from Frankenstein as her message.

" "**The moon gazed on my midnight labours, while, with unrelaxed and breathless eagerness, I pursued nature to her hiding-places."**

**Zombies still aren't real.**

**AFF"**

_A/N: The Shamy is going to be kind of on the back burner. It is going to be a story about the girls and their friendship. The good news is… there is no romantic bad news…_

_Also, I have no knowledge, any gossip about Star Trek the next Generation I might allude to is a fabrication from the evil mind of fictional Wil Wheaton.._

_As always, Wil Wheaton remains a national treasure._


	3. The Nice One Paradox

I own nothing. Chuck, Bill and WB own all. Wil Wheaton remains a national treasure.

**The Nice One Paradox**

When Amy and Bernadette went to dinner that night, they were feeling pretty confident in their ability to start a controlled, localized Zombie Apocalypse. They really couldn't wait to lay it out for the boys and Penny.

Graphically. After they started eating, of course. Because the biologists were still pissed off that they had to do this, and the rest of the posse would pay. Oh, yes, they would pay.

"So you sent the science draft to Wheaton?" Penny asked eagerly.

"At 5 am this morning. But I owe a lot of thanks to Bernadette." Amy said nudging her little buddy affectionately.

Howard beamed proudly, "It's too bad you can both be the science consultant…"

Amy's eyes went wide, "What a wonderful idea! I hate to take all the credit for providing a blue print to the partial end of days… You should definitely be my co-pilot."

Bernadette glared at her husband and her friend for a moment, "That's okay." She said too loudly. "Don't want to steal Amy's thunder…"

"Damn right you don't!" Sheldon hissed from the kitchen, "This is Amy's job! You are not allowed to take advantage of her generous nature!"

"Wait a second," Howard got to his feet, "It was Amy's idea to share credit. Obviously, there is credit to share. And Bernadette's nature is just as generous! She was on the phone with Amy until midnight. "

"Oh," Amy whispered to Bernadette, "Interesting turn of events. Huh? Listen, take the offer. Wheaton hates me and if has the ability to fire me, he will. If you are the fall back then Penny will keep the gig regardless. You have to. For Penny."

"God Damnit," Bernadette hissed. "What about Sheldon's defense of your honor."

Amy plastered on a stern face and dragged Sheldon back to his room. "Quit it." She said.

"But she is trying to take your sci-fi writing job!" he protested.

"It doesn't diminish the amazing accomplishment that I have achieved as the scientific consultant on a pilot that will never air. It just means that when Wil decides to fire me, Penny can keep her job." Amy said, smiling.

"You and Wil are friends now!"

Amy couldn't contain her _Bitch. Please._ expression. "No we aren't. That isn't going to happen."

"Why?" he looked so sad, it made her want to reconsider her feelings.

Screw it, she was writing a zombie movie for because she loved him, the last thing she owed any one was to be friends with Wil Wheaton.

"I can't." She punted, "I have the correct number of friends. Another one would throw of my social equilibrium."

"I can't argue with that. Your logic is irrefutable." Sheldon looked dejected, "What if you aren't friends with Raj?" he asked hopefully.

Amy shook her head.

When the returned to the living room, Sheldon said that for the sake of Penny's tenuous grasp on her role, he wouldn't oppose Bernadette joining the team to support Amy.

Bernadette, Howard and Amy all started to say something when Leonard interjected a warning. "Take it. That is the best you are going to get. Let's eat."

After dinner, Amy's phone buzzed. "Great. It is Wil." She headed into Sheldon's room. "Ensign."

"I've read over the science. Would you mind meeting with me to explain it?" Wil asked.

"Not surprising. I supposed you could meet me. Also, you should know that I'll be splitting my fee with Bernadette, Howard's wife. She helped me refine the theorems. So she should be there too."

"What her creditentials?" he asked, a frown in his voice.

"A PhD in microbiology, access to weaponized syphilis…" Amy listed. "Is that enough or did you need me to says something scarier?"

"Gotcha. Can you meet me for drinks tonight?" he asked. "Maybe in Hollywood?"

"No, you should come over to Sheldon and Leonard's." Amy said.

"Why? I mean, couldn't we meet half way?"

"Is it a lot of trouble for you to get out to Pasadena?" she asked.

"Yeah, it is. I am in Rancho Palos Verdes." Wil said.

"Wow. You should get driving if want to get here in time to talk to me." Amy held the phone in front of her mouth. "Bye!"

Two hour later a disgruntled Wil Wheaton showed up, "She better be here."

"Hi, Wil," Sheldon, greeted him, "The girls are across the hall at Penny's. I have to warn you about Bernadette."

"Great. What do I need to know?"

"She can be emotionally volatile."

"Really."

"Like a tiny little Klingon."

But Wil didn't listen.

Even though he'd been told.

Penny agreed to leave the biologists alone with her producer, _yeah that's right… Penny has a producer! So there Mom!_

"Don't you think that the creation of the Zombies might be a little complicated. And sexually inappropriate."

"I am sorry," Bernadette said sweetly, "Amy said you wanted science. Did I misunderstand?"

"I do but, this is complicated." Wil clarified.

"Yeah, this is biology. There is not one component of biology that is not complicated and disgusting." Bernadette said, the snarling beast within glinting in her angelic blue eyes.

"What it is complicated about it?" Amy asked.

"The whole thing is complicated."

"First, you weaken the genetic structure through gene enhancement, then you increase aggression through abusing Testosterone treatments then you add two kinds of toxins, i.e. synthetic monkey semen applied to the penis and then give the poor bastard an illegal flu shot… and Voila! Zombies." Amy said, "What is the problem?"

Wil looked ashen, "would that work?" then he whispered, "Is there such a thing as synthetic monkey semen?"

Bernadette smiled at Wil, then glanced at Amy, "Not yet. That is why we keep our Amy happy. If she goes super villainess on us, the ways she can destroy mankind are only limited by the number of hours in the day."

"And my access to funding," Amy clarified. "Can't build an army of murderous apes without a blank check from a lunatic billionaire."

"Yeah, those can be hard to find." Wil felt better.

"No they aren't. No they are not." Amy smiled, serenely. "But don't sell Bernie short… no pun intended…" Bernadette rolled her eyes, "She is developing some really terrible viriuses." The small blond blushed and gave Amy the universal gesture of "oh, stop. You are embarrassing me"

"What kind of viriuses? Wil was getting creeped out.

"Oh," Bernadette sighed, "Oh nothing. Nothing at all. Still have a problem with the science?" She asked sharply.

"No, ma'am."

"Run along then." Bernadette dismissed him. Amy rose to her feet and opened the door.

"Bye now." She slammed it behind him. It literally did hit him on the ass on the way out.

He rushed across the hall and Leonard opened the door. Wil saw the smirk on Leonard's face and he knew he was in trouble. "Is that the secret? Amy is the nice one? Is that it?"

"All three have good points and bad points. But if you piss off one of them… they'll swarm on your ass like bees."

Great.

_A/N: Bernadette is in the house! And she doesn't want to be there! This can't end well._


	4. Dark Sisters

_I own nothing; Hail Chuck, Bill and Warners. Wil Wheaton: National Treasure and, for my purposes, totally fictional._

**The Dark Sisters**

Wheaton had been warned, but Wheaton really didn't like to listen to people. He went his own way.

He had ended the feud with Sheldon and he was glad he had. Sheldon was just as much fun as a friend and if he ever missed the twitching, he could always enrage him again.

But forget enraging Sheldon. Now he was being enraged. And terrified. And kept awake until 3 am. By 2 tiny little biologists. Women who seemed confident that they could not only start the zombie apocalypse, but that they could synthesize monkey semen.

They had thought about synthesizing monkey semen enough to know that if a genetically altered 'roid rager rubbed it on his penis and got a flu shot…. That would make a zombie.

It was disturbing. It was perverted. It was disgusting…

He could totally sell this shit ball to HBO!

His evil ladies of terror had given his concept something it hadn't had before. Danger. Sex. Not just sex…plausible sex! But that meant he couldn't play the lead scientist. They needed somebody willing to show his ass like it was nothing. Like he was born in Bon Temps, as they say. Maybe they could get True Blood or Game of Thrones cast members in the off season.

Clearly Amy and Bernadette, or as he called them now, the dark sisters, needed to be appeased. Not only had the science been truly weird but Amy actually had quite a flare for making jibber jabber dryly humorous.

Wait. No.

Appeasement? No. Never.

He was Wil Wheaton, for Christ's sake! He'd been forged from childhood in the fiery hatred of a million irrational Star Trek fans and the knowledge that he would never be as successful as Corey Feldman.

He would emerge victorious. He would create his new Zombie empire with the enforced assistance of the dark sisters, secure in the knowledge that the contract Penny signed included a clause agreeing to tasteful nudity! And tasteful nudity there would be. He would not be disturbed by the fact that Amy sent him random emails with quotes from Frankenstein…

He would take an Ambien! He would get some God damned sleep!

Otherwise he'd look puffy tomorrow…

Sheldon had kept Amy after the other's had gone home. Since, in a fit of joy, he'd kissed her forehead, he'd been thinking of her warmly. He knew that she still disliked Wil, but he was proud that she had the fortitude to overcome this for more important reasons.

It was good for Penny. It really was her last chance at a career.

The fact that she had gotten so much for her involvement spoke to her amazingly attractive negotiation skills. Also, his genuine Leonard Nimoy Spock ears were on their way! He had a Fed ex tracking number. When she told him that, his kiss missed her forehead and landed right on her lips.

She was doing it because it made him happy. When Amy set out to make him happy, she succeeded.

He recognized that he needed to do more to make her happy. This thought didn't fill him with dread, as it once might of. He knew what Amy liked. She liked clean food, educational programs, lavish Broadway musicals, zoos, British Costume dramas, human experimentation… most of that perfectly within his skill set. He was also aware that the slight escalation in romantic physical contact hadn't satisfied her.

They had included a quarterly amendment process which had led to hand holding on request and limited kissing, provided it be on the cheek, forehead, or chin (the height differential meant that they both had the potential to miss the mark when they went for the cheek kiss). She always led the negotiations by putting coitus on the table. One day he was going to agree just to see how she would handle it. Also, because one day, he would agree because it was time to say yes. Because the thought of ever being without her was becoming something that had moved from horrifying to impossible.

"So," he said, handing her a mug of tea, "Zombies **are** possible."

Amy's eyes flashed dangerously, "No they aren't. These are ZINO'S. Zombies in name only."

"Do they eat human flesh? is their flesh falling off the bone like an over cooked chicken? Can they infect others by biting them?" he asked.

"Yes, no, yes. Also through sexual contact."

"Zombies."

"Fine, I acknowledge that Bernadette and I instigate a limited, localized zombie apocalypse. But Bernadette has weaponized syphilis and all I need to take over the earth with my ape army is funding and a secluded island on which to conduct my experiments away from society's prying eyes." Amy said, sipping her tea, "Zombies should be the least of your worries."

He huffed, "Space death rays are better."

"No they aren't. You'd have to get the government involved and they can be so nosy. "Why do you need to maintain control of the death ray?" "Fine. Wait. Who are your enemies?" "Did you mean to do that? Are you sure? It looked highly random."" she waved her hand, "I'd rather deal with a mentally ill billionaire any day of the week."

"That is beside the point, I think having an actual possible scenario for the zombie apocalypse will really set this project apart from the others." Sheldon gave her a koala smile.

"I am glad you are pleased and that Penny is so excited. I know he is your friend, but I am glad I have Bernadette to help me deal with Wheaton." Amy blushed and looked into the depths of her tea.

"I told him to beware of her."

Amy lifted her eyes, with a curious smile, "What did you say?"

"I told her she was emotionally volatile… like a tiny little Klingon."

"Apt."

"Then Leonard told him that it didn't matter which one of you he angered, when one was mad the others would swarm like bees." Amy grabbed her phone and began texting. "What are you doing?"

"Sending Leonard a thank you text." She smiled.

"You should thank me, I was the one who told Wil about Bernadette's emotional incontinence. I also gave Leonard the bee simile." Sheldon pouted.

Amy stood up, went round the counter and kissed his cheek, "Thank you." There was a bit of an awkward pause, before Amy started gathering her things. "I need to get home, I didn't get any sleep last night."

"You probably shouldn't drive then." Sheldon bleated out before he could stop himself. "Tomorrow's Saturday, so you could stay here… if you want…"

Her eyes widened as she fought to control her breathing. He was not suggesting anything… nothing. "Where would I sleep?"

"Leonard's room. He won't mind. Also, he put on new sheets 3 days ago and they haven't been slept in, so it should be sanitary." Sheldon rushed, "And there are jammies in the emergency Amy overnight kit."

"Okay, that might be a good idea. I am tired." She was stunned as he left the room to retrieve the emergency Amy overnight kid. She had heard tell of its existence when it was prepared, but this was her first night, seeing what Sheldon's idea of what she should wear for jammies and underwear was.

A half hour later, she was dressed for bed and pleasantly surprised. He had chosen a nice old fashioned white cotton nightie. It was mildly sexy if you dug really modest chicks or where a girl with a persistent Jane Eyre fantasy. And the underwear had been the same kind she already wore. It was even the right size.

That meant that Sheldon had been poking around in her underwear drawer.

That meant she was 9 months ahead of schedule.

As she climbed into the bed, she smiled thinking that this bed had seen some coitus. Then her phone beeped.

**Ladies: lunch meeting in Glendale.**

**And Amy; **_**"Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful."**_

**WW**

Aw, he could google Frankenstein quotes… how sweet.

**Ensign;**

""_**A human being in perfection ought always to preserve a calm and peaceful mind and never to allow passion or a transitory desire to disturb his tranquility."**_

**Peace out.**

**AFF**

_A/N: Oh, dear, Wil thinks he has game. Bless his heart._


	5. The Art of Quotation War

I own nothing. Usual shout out to Chuck, Bill et al. And of course many apologies to the non-fictional Wil Wheaton.

**The Art of Quotation War**

It was 6:00am in Pasadena. Amy was still asleep. Sheldon was not.

Since Amy was a guest. social convention dictated that he must prepare her breakfast. But he did not want to have to perform this task for himself and then a second time for her. Not in the middle of Doctor Who. She should, therefore, wake up now. Then he could make them breakfast together and he could continue her Whovian Indoctrination.

Yep, that girl was getting up.

"knock knock knock Amy knock knock knock Amy knock knock knock Amy"

Amy dreamed there was a woodpecker trying to tap its way into her Gingerbread Cottage through the structural weakness of the rock candy windows. "Those are my gum drops!" She cried, sitting up, with a terrified look on her face.

The door opened, "Oh good, you are up. Time for breakfast." Sheldon smiled brightly, leaving a confused Amy staring at the open door.

It was good that he woke her up, she decided. The gingerbread cottage dreams got dark quick.

Since Sheldon was still in his pajamas, Amy assumed that Saturday was a casual morning. The Emergency Amy Overnight kit contained a robe to match her nightgown, slinging it on, she went out to join him. "Instant Oatmeal?" she asked raising an eyebrow. "Fancy."

"Doctor Who is on." He explained as handed over her bowl, gesturing for her to follow him to the sofa.

When they both were settled, "Let me guess, this episode takes place in London." She said smirking. "Large upside down, bedazzled, Ikea garbage cans on roller skates are trying to invade earth."

"They are called Daleks." Sheldon said, staring at the television.

"I've been to London." Amy continued, "lot of stairs. Must kind of bugger their plans to Rule Britannia. Especially if they need to take the tube."

"You are dangerously close to being banned from Who-Con." Sheldon remained transfixed.

"You always say that." She said, staring without comprehension at the television. "And yet you refuse to rescind my invitation."

Sheldon turned and stared into her eyes, "True." He paused.

"There is no way in hell I am getting out of Who-Con, is there?" she asked, frowning at him.

"No. No way in hell." He patted her hand and turned back to the television.

Wil was waiting at small café in Beverly Hills. "Raj!" he called, waving him over. Raj was dressed for Pilates. Since there were women in the café, Raj's greeting was necessarily silent. It took a couple minutes for Wheaton to score the Mimosa that would put the odd Indian fellow in a chatty mood. A very chatty mood.

"Yeah," Raj smirked, after downing his third, "They are all weird. I mean, I love them, but those are not normal girls." Wil nodded sympathetically, "I mean, look at their men. No sane version of Bernadette is going to look at Howard and say break me off a piece of that. And Amy and Sheldon. That girl is ambitious."

"The ladies seem to be worse in the group." Wil lead.

"You think? Are they being mean? Not too surprised. You really took the blame for the bowling alley break up." Raj smirked, "You are lucky to get Bernadette and Amy on this project. You can harness their power for good."

"So you admit it? They are evil!"

"No! They are angels!" Raj defended, "who at times, when you deserve it… will take a big bite out of your ass."

"How do I get the upper hand?"

"You don't. Even Howard and Sheldon don't know what the upper hand feels like with those girls. Those girls LOVE them, but they are not in charge. I mean look at Amy." Raj took another sip of Mimosa, "Sheldon thinks he is charge with that relationship agreement? Like what? Like she is a lady Leonard? Some day very soon, they will have freaky ass sex on top of the torn pages of that not legally binding document…"

Wil made a face. "Raj, do you fantasize about your friends' sex lives?

"No! I fantasize about their girlfriends' sex lives. That the guys are involved is completely beside the point."

"What about Penny?" Wil asked, "She isn't a genius. She might be less trouble."

"You are wrong, She is street smart. Also, she hits. Even Amy and Bernadette will try to appease Penny when she is in a rage."

"Then why are they so protective of her post-break up delicacy? It doesn't even matter since Leonard and she are back together."

"They feel bad because her life is such a mess. They love her, but the second she decides she is done with acting, there is 14 point educational/professional rehab program ready to go into immediate effect."

"What is the plan?"

"To create a plan." Raj said, "But that doesn't matter. Penny has this pilot. It is her big chance."

"You are right." Wil raised his water glass in toast, "Here is to Penny's big break." He whipped out his phone to text Amy.

**Meet me for lunch at Cheesecake factory at 1pm. Bring Bernadette. No Penny.**

""**Move swift as the Wind and closely-formed as the Wood. Attack like the Fire and be still as the Mountain"**

**WW**

Amy was just arriving home when she read the text. Smirking, she dialed Bernadette, "Hey, we are in trouble now. Wheaton has starting quoting the Art of War in his texts."

"Not exactly a master of the subtle, is he?" Bernadette laughed after Amy read the text. "Let him have it, Doctor Fowler."

**Ensign,**

**We'd be delighted.**

"**Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?"**

**Ponder that. **

**AFF**

Wil's eyes widened, reading the text. That was the last thing he wished to ponder. Amy Farrah Fowler fulfilling her actual potential? Shudder. He grabbed his phone and turned on his "Art of War Random quote generator".

"**Engage people with what they expect; it is what they are able to discern and confirms their projections. It settles them into predictable patterns of response, occupying their minds while you wait for the extraordinary moment — that which they cannot anticipate." **

**WW**

Amy burst out laughing.

**Ensign;**

"**What the ancients called a clever fighter is one who not only wins, but excels in winning with ease."**

**In other words, WW, you are trying too hard. **

**AFF**

Clearly, Wheaton may have read the Art of War, but he certainly didn't seem to understand it. He probably read it in its original Klingon. Amy and Bernadette had learned Klingon in secret during Howie's space flight. Since, as biologists, they both spoke and read fluent French and German and as telenovela fans, they spoke Spanish with unseemly passion it had been very easy. The well educated women found Klingon blunt. inadequate and without poetry. That being said, they were both saving it for the right sexual situation.

Amy wasn't sure how, but the language of the Klingon Empire was coming into play.

_A/N: Back before the internet, we used to play this game without google, using actual books. Also, we had to say these things to people's faces. While drunk. It would always dissolve into quoting Little House on the Prairie and misquoting The Prince._


	6. Original Klingon

All things belong to the others. Wil Wheaton is a national treasure. All Klingon phrases are loose translations.

**Original Klingon **

Amy and Bernadette's cunning plan was small. Slipping Klingon words into conversations with Wil, then acting like he was crazy. Little things. Not enough to derail the pilot (which had become sacrosanct because of Penny's involvement), just enough to give the Ensign an eye twitch. They also cleverly maintained their usual irritating tactics of texting him obscure, yet ominous quotations in the middle of the night.

In short, they were living rent free right in the middle of Wil Wheaton's brain.

Even though they vehemently did not want a writing credit, Amy and Bernadette had recreated the script based on their ZINO theorem. Wil had been so pleased with their effort, he didn't object to the juicy, break out role they had written for Penny. She was the beautiful, battle-hardened, yet tender ex-marine, who is the only one doing a damn thing about these damn zombies. Her love interest/sexy scientist was the fabulous Sean Maher of Firefly fame (the boys burst into flames with delight at being within two degrees of separation to Joss Wheddon!)

The morning they were going to screen the pilot for the first time, Wil woke up with the following message on his phone.

**Ensign: "It's the proper morning to fly into Hell" And do you want me to grab you a coffee? Bernie and I are stopping at the Bean. Fear me; AFF**

Wil glared at his phone, really, the Crucible? Well, at least he recognized the quote. And he could get it for his Nook. 15 minutes later, he typed.

**Dr. FOULER: "The devil is precise." Medium red-eye, if you please. From hell, WW**

10 seconds later…

**Ensign: "HALE, with a tasty love of intellectual pursuit"** **Anything for you, you little hunk of honey bunch… Meet us a Los Robles xoxoxo AFF**

The dark sisters drove him crazy. But he couldn't even complain. Nobody cared. The years of his legendary bastardy indicated he would receive no sympathy from anyone. Even Sheldon just shook his head and told him that his brain was not exceptional enough for Amy to waste time experimenting on. When presented with the possibility that Amy was being mean without regard to science, Sheldon replied, "Don't anger her. She is wise and just. Remember, a clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

What the hell did that mean? Why were all these people so damned ominous?

No better luck with Howard. He acknowledged that what Wil was saying was true and that it might be as bad as he said it was. However, there was nothing Howard could do, even if he wanted to help. And he didn't. Then Howard, traitor, armed Bernadette and Amy with the novelization of Star Trek the Original Motion Picture. That turned into a bad weekend because they mixed that up with quotes from the Idylls of the King. He had vomited from the stress.

Then he tried Penny, implying that her role would be in danger if Wil went to the looney bin. She shrugged, admitting that, yes, she had seen the texts and no, she didn't know why he was so upset. Especially since he seemed to be keeping up.

"Do you know how much of my day is now spent trying to find quotations?" he asked with wild eyes. "And I have to find whatever text they are referencing… I thought they were scientists! How the hell are they quoting Rousseau back at me like it isn't a thing?

Penny grimaced, "Ensign, they are really smart. I mean, I think they are smarter than the guys, and that is saying a lot. I hate to say this, boss, but they are not evening putting much effort in to driving you crazy." Then she smiled, like she was proud of them. Clearly, Penny was queen of the evil triumvirate. Just his luck.

Wil tried everything but directly asking them to stop, which, irony reigns supreme, would have ceased the quotation campaign immediately.

He then had to spend two weeks in Vancouver with them. All three of them. And Sean Maher, who thought the whole texting thing was HILARIOUS. So he gave them a copy of the novelization of Serenity which they mixed up with the philosophy of Nietzsche. And this was horrible because a lot of it sounded the same but meant the opposite… He (again) stress vomited.

He didn't care. This show was going to put him back on top. Penny was not too bad as the female lead. She was physically able to do stunts, could handle a fake gun and an axe. And her acting… well, this wasn't Shakespeare. The dark sisters wanted basically no credit, being totally embarrassed by the entire thing…

Light bulb.

Wil smiled evilly and raced out the door. Vengeance would be his. He was dragging the evil ones out of the shadows and into the spotlight.

He picked the trio of seething darkness up at Sheldon and Leonard's apartment. Amy smiled her usual cool smile and handed him his coffee, "Morning Ensign, **qab ram** on the holo-deck?"

There! She did it! "Klingon!" he twitched.

"What's wrong, honey bunch? Did someone **So' lIj 'etlh** in the tar pits?" Bernadette asked with wide eyes. "We should really be going if we don't want to get caught behind a **jagh Duj **on the freeway."

"You are speaking Kliingon!" the twitching was charming, "They are! You heard them!" He appealed to Leonard.

"All I heard was Amy asking you if you had a rough night on the holo-deck, then Bernie asking if you someone dropped your sword in the tar pits and said you guys don't want to get behind an enemy vessel on the freeway." Leonard smiled. He really couldn't stand Wheaton. Watching the girls torment him was just so sweet. "Girls, don't mock the Trek," he said with mock sternness, "Wil's getting cranky."

"What's going on?" Sheldon asked, coming into the room.

"Wil had a **qab ram** on the holo-deck." Leonard answered.

"taH pa' loDnI'."

"Translate, please." Amy requested, winking at Leonard, "You know we don't speak Klingon."

"Been there brother." Sheldon obliged her, "You should learn it though."

Wil hissed and ran out of the apartment. The girls smiled brightly, waved goodbye and followed him down the stairs.

Leonard folded his arms over his chest and looked quizzically at his roommate.

"Amy has never told me that she can speak Klingon. So I must presume that she cannot." Sheldon hedged.

"Like a liar would?" the shorter man grinned.

"I am not a liar, I am just choosing not to accept something as fact without explicit confirmation from a trusted source." Sheldon said, hiding a smirk. He might be friends with Wil, now. But friendship was much less important that the thrill of his woman's cunning and villainy.

When Wil and the dark sisters arrived at the studio, they were greeted by reporters… or bloggers and whatnot. He pushed Penny out in front and introduced her as the second coming of that chick from Battlestar Galatica, as he pulled the evil ones back, "I am going to out you both." He hissed.

Amy raised an eyebrow and Bernadette giggled, "As what, Ensign?"

"Sci-fi screen writers." He gloated.

Pause.

"Go ahead." Amy narrowed her eyes, "Admit that you didn't have members of the screenwriters guild penning your little series. And that you haven't paid us anything."

Wil blanched.

"Yep," Bernadette nodded, "Hollywood is a union town. My dad was in a union, they get touchy when you hire scabs."

"And then the actors union and the directors union get pissy, then the teamsters… Do you get where I am going with this?" Amy asked. Stepping closer to him, "Now, the only thing you can out us, without getting into a passel of trouble, for is being consultants. Reluctant consultants."

"And," Bernadette closed in on the flank, "Why would you tarnish your success? Why would you share the glory that belongs to you alone?"

"Quit slipping in Klingon words into conversation," he bleated. "And no more texts."

Amy started to nod in agreement but Bernie stopped her, "One or the other." The tiny terror grinned.

"Fine. Stop the texts." He pouted.

"Oh, thank god!" Amy threw her hands up, "I am running out of qan paqmey." (ancient texts)

Wil twitched and went back to the bloggers, weakly waving his hand that Amy and Bernadette should go into the screening.

"I think we broke him." Bernadette said, smiling fondly. "maH Qapta'"

"I think we did." Amy said, following her gaze, "vaj taH 'oH"

_**A/N; might do an epilogue if there is interest. The last 2 lines translate loosely as Victory is ours and So be it. I just had to finish this!**_


End file.
